Happily ever after an idealistic phrase coined by writers of children’s fairytales? Not so, say those who view marriage as a soul journey undertaken by two individuals with separate life paths and a common goal.
* Trust must be absolute. “I think entering into a marriage with an exit clause is destructive and dangerous. Trust is critical in a marriage. You can’t trust someone and ask for a dissolution agreement ‘just in case’. If you need that, one or both of you is holding back or is seeing something that you should be paying attention to but are trying to ignore,” says life coach Laura Young, whose second marriage, 15 years on, gets better by the year.
“You need to know that your partner is capable of loving you even when it’s painful. Think about what you are agreeing to when you enter in to a marriage. I didn’t the first time. I’m older and wiser now. I get it. So does my husband.”
* Involve and evolve. Remember that you are married to a separate and evolving individual who is put on this earth to do and learn certain things, maintains Young. “The reality is your partner is going to change. And it is a fact that each individual has to figure out for themselves what this life is going to mean to them and how they want to walk their path.
“Being committed to another doesn’t mean you become the other. Lives combine but in healthy marriages they don’t become absorbed one into the other. Celebrate each other. Embrace change. Encourage evolution. Remember where you end and they begin. In short, love each other as other.”
* Don’t fix it if it’s not broken. For Suzanne Saunders, the romance of marriage started to wear off when she started working from home, which included domestic chores, isolation – and coping with a stressed out husband at the end of the day. “When Clive got home, he would generally be in a bad mood, and I would think he was angry with me because I had forgotten to do something or irritated him in some way.”
“I spent months feeling inadequate because I thought I was making him unhappy and disempowered because I thought my petty grievances were unimportant to him.”
A common scenario, says life alchemist John Rushton, who recommends a simple dose of compassion and respect for each other’s boundaries. Adds Young, “What your partner does is seldom a reflection of you or on you. I allow him that space to come down from his day to allow us time to get in sync. Had I made his process about ME, I would have been cranky, needy, demanding or some other version of annoying and then he’d have to fix me after a full day of work.”
* Sexless seasons are normal. A dry spell isn’t a sign that you’ve lost your mojo or that you’ll never have sex again, says journalist Ylonda Gault Caviness. “It just means that maybe this week, sleep is more important than sex. And don’t kid yourself; no one is doing it as often as popular culture would have you believe. The key is to make sure that even if you’re not doing ‘it’, you’re still doing something — touching, kissing, hugging. Personally, my heart gets warm and mushy when my husband rubs my feet after a long, tiring day. He may not be anywhere near my G-spot, but that little bit of touch and attention keeps us connected even when we’re not having spine-tingling sex.”
* Respect and resolve. While conflict is inevitable, and even healthy, there are ways to ensure it doesn’t get out of hand and harp on past issues, says couples counsellor Jodi Whyman. Bring it up in a non-threatening way, no name calling, focus on specific issues or behaviours, rather than personality qualities. Use “I” statements, stay calm, take a few minutes break if tempers are frayed and choose the right time — not when people are tired or hungry, when the kids are around, or when you’re on deadline at work.”
* Our way is better than my way. The biggest breakdown of marriage, says Rushton, is separate agendas. “It’s called the ME syndrome. A marriage is doomed for failure if you each rush about doing your own thing and not seeing the bigger picture of US.”
It was this realization that shifted Caviness into a different gear. “A lifetime of experience has taught me that in most areas, at most times, I am right about most things. What shocked me several years into my marriage, though, was the realization that the more ‘right’ I was, the more discontented my husband and I were as a couple.”
Her solution? “After locking horns often, I realised that there is no right way or wrong way. When I sincerely acknowledge his view, it seems to become easier for him to hear mine. And because I know I’m being heard, most of the time now, I don’t even want to prove how right I am any more. Funny how that works, isn’t it?”
(Published in Aquarius, Dubai. Copyright Sharon Marshall 2008.)
